


inseparable?

by mochike



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Gen, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, One Shot, POV Third Person Limited, Self-Hatred, as in it's implied bucky loves steve but steve goes back anyway, bucky feels really guilty, for everything, no happy ending, please protect him, stucky is kind of one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 01:17:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20201365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochike/pseuds/mochike
Summary: “Hey, Buck. You gonna be okay without me, right? You sure you don’t wanna come with?”Bucky refuses to make eye contact with Steve, continuing to stare at his feet a moment longer before flicking his eyes up to the ceiling, taking in a shaky breath he hopes Steve doesn’t notice. He’s trying not to be selfish, he really does wish the best for his best friend, but he can’t help the tears that prick at the corners of his eyes. He hopes to God steve doesn’t notice, actually, because he’ll be damned if Steve gives up another happy ending because of him.“Yeah, yeah, ‘course I’ll be."---AKA the super angsty not-fix-it that nobody wanted or needed, but I wrote anyway.





	inseparable?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I got into the MCU recently and I got broken immediately. Have this thing I started writing at 1 AM last night because I needed to be more depressed about Endgame for whatever reason. Bucky gets really self-deprecating in this and maybe it's a bit OOC but honestly? I really just needed Bucky being sad so I could project onto him.
> 
> I'm still mad about the end of Endgame. Such a weak, nonsensical ending to Steve's arc. At least it gave us FATWS, which I hope is not a disappointment.

“Hey, Buck. You gonna be okay without me, right? You sure you don’t wanna come with?”

Bucky refuses to make eye contact with Steve, continuing to stare at his feet a moment longer before flicking his eyes up to the ceiling, taking in a shaky breath he hopes Steve doesn’t  notice. He’s trying not to be selfish, he really does wish the best for his best friend, but he can’t help the tears that prick at the corners of his eyes. He hopes to God Steve doesn’t notice, actually, because he’ll be damned if Steve gives up another happy ending because of him.

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course I’ll be. An’ yeah, I got Sam now, and I got nothin’ much back there anyway.” Bucky bites his tongue before the words “and I can’t bear to see you moving on” spill out, and chooses to close his eyes instead. Lips trembling, he manages the tiniest of smiles – full to the brim of emotions he could never put into words – before opening his eyes again, still focussing on anything but Steve. Steve, who deserves this. Steve, who has earned this life. Steve, who has already sacrificed enough for him. Bucky clears his throat as discreetly as he can manage, and finally meets Steve’s eyes, almost breaking down right then and there. He can’t, though – he has to reassure Steve that he’ll be alright (whether it’s the truth or not), has to send Steve off the right way. Bucky thinks, he’s done nothing but take from this world since he fell from that train, and he’s gotta start making up for it. This would be a first step. He never even got to apologise to Stark for… well, everything; he wasn’t about to let another chance to redeem himself pass by just so he could be selfish.

Therefore, no matter how much he’d like to grab Steve’s arm and ask him,  _ beg him _ to  _ please, stay _ – because he knows that the stupid bastard would be more than happy to oblige if Bucky did ask – he only clenches his jaw and pats the other’s shoulder, giving him the widest, Bucky-est grin he can manage. It almost feels like ‘43 again, and Bucky tries not to get too choked up. He briefly remembers the first time he met the man standing in front of him, who was then just a small, sickly boy from Brooklyn who didn’t know when to stop in the best, dumbest way possible. The world’s most selfless idiot who gave and gave to the universe even when it let him down, something Bucky could never understand but admired him for nonetheless. No sense of self-preservation, he muses silently, the corner of his lip quirking up slightly. If a tear manages to escape his eye, well, he can’t be blamed. He shrugs it off as tears of joy, and he’s only half-lying.

“Thanks, Buck. Thanks for understanding. I’m gonna miss you, pal.”

“‘M just glad to finally be rid of you,” Bucky teases, feeling sky blues never leaving him. He then sobers up, letting the silence hang between them for a bit before speaking softly once more. “I’m still with you to the end of the line, y’know.”

“I know.”

“You be happy with- with her, alright? I ain’t having you leave me just for you to be miserable. She better treat you right,” Bucky mutters with as much lightheartedness as he can muster, trying not to let the bitterness creep in, controlling his voice. He’s a world-class assassin (or he used to be), this is what he’s been trained for. He can’t help but wish he was still the Winter Soldier – cold and uncaring,  _ unfeeling  _ because you can’t mourn what you didn’t know you had – if only to avoid this moment, avoid the overwhelming sense of loss that rolls over him in waves.  _ You never should have saved me, Stevie. Not then, and not now. _

“Gotcha. Gee, you sound like your ma.”

“Runs in the family. Now get out there and do what you need to do before you or I think on it too much, ya god-damn punk.” Bucky begins to usher Steve towards the platform, acting as nonchalant as possible as they come into Bruce and Sam’s field of view. He tries to permanently imprint this feeling of Steve’s arm wrapped around his shoulder as they walk into his memory – HYDRA couldn’t pry this one out of his cold, dead hands if they tried. For Sam’s sake, for his sake, and, most importantly, for Steve’s sake, he smiles and stays as impassive as ever on the outside. He’s put up this facade since 1943 (even if most of the decades afterwards were out of his control), and he can keep it up for at least a few more minutes. He has to, even if he can’t.

After Steve doesn’t return (as he’d already known), and the shield’s been passed to Sam (Steve hadn’t even needed to ask if it was alright; they both knew that Bucky was done fighting, was happy remaining as a reliability and a sidekick), Bucky trudges further into the sparse forest, gaze faraway and glassy. He stops in the middle of a solitary clearing, hands still tucked tightly into the pockets of his bomber jacket, and thinks back on all the events from the past few years, thinks of where they got him.

Even though there’s nobody to stay emotionless for around him, despite all the guilt, loneliness, grief, betrayal, and frustration burning their way up his throat, he presses his lips into a thin line and positively refuses to crack.

He’s terrified that if he does, he won’t be able to stop it.

So, he only looks up to the skies, dries his watery gaze, sniffles once, and makes his way back to Bruce and Sam as he’d done only minutes ago, minus one person.

When he gets back, that stupid, lovable, heart-breaking bastard Steve Rogers is gone again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, sorry about this. I've been trying to get back into creative writing in preparation for Lit HL lol, so maybe expect more stucky angst? I might write a fix-it fic because my frail heart can't handle this much heartbreak
> 
> By the way, I draw, mostly! You can come yell at me on [Tumblr](https://mochike.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/m0chike) (not a lot of MCU content yet though).


End file.
